How She Pushed Through Her Negative Self-talk

Toxic self-talk is when your inner voice is excessively negative to yourself. For 35-year-old Anne Marre Bautista, from Los Angeles, her childhood experiences with eczema left her with a harsh inner critic that at one point made it hard for her to even look in the mirror. Here, in her own words, Bautista — who has atopic dermatitis, contact dermatitis, dyshidrotic eczema, seborrheic dermatitis and hand eczema — shared how she worked to overcome her negative self-talk and show herself more love.

I stopped being kind to myself 

I was diagnosed with eczema at 6 months old. My eczema played a large part in the way I talked to myself as a kid. I didn’t realize this until I became an adult, but my self-hate actually began at a very young age. I used to be a cheerful and friendly kid. But when my skin acted up when I was 9 years old, everything changed. 

The other kids at school started to avoid me. I was frequently bullied at school because of my appearance with eczema. The other kids believed I was contagious. I felt isolated and incredibly alone. It wasn’t just that I didn’t feel beautiful; I also had the sense that nobody wanted to be my friend. 

Due to these daily experiences in school, I gradually started to internalize their judgments and began feeling the same way about myself. Every day, I would come home in tears due to the constant bullying I experienced. And before I knew it, I was dealing with all this self-hate. I used to question my own worth a lot. I couldn’t even be kind to myself.

I hated the mirror

Over the years, when I had to deal with my eczema or when I was in a flare, it really affected how I saw myself. How I felt mentally all depended on how bad my skin was at the moment. When my skin was at its worst, I would avoid the mirror or photography altogether. At one point in my preteens/early teens, between 10–15 years old, any mirror reflection or photography would freak me out. I was scared that I’d see what everyone else saw, and that wasn’t a pleasant thought. Looking at myself or catching a glimpse of my reflection felt like a struggle. I was also experiencing extreme anxiety. 

I think it all goes back to the awful stuff I went through at school because of my eczema. Those experiences messed with how I saw myself in mirrors. Feeling good about myself was hard. I sometimes still catch myself having this anxiety with mirrors even now as an adult.

Overcoming my negative self-talk

Overcoming my negative self-talk and self-hate because of eczema was quite a journey. As a kid, I didn’t really get why it was happening. But as I grew older, I redirected my focus toward my strengths. I concentrated on my studies and ensured that I consistently ranked among the top students. Additionally, I engaged in activities I loved, such as skateboarding, spending time with my dog, playing video games, singing and playing music. Relying more on my strengths significantly improved my self-perception.

I honestly don’t think I have completely overcome the negative self-talk or the anxiety that comes with it. It is a process that I consistently have to manage and deal with when it happens. In addition to focusing on my strengths and activities I love, I have to constantly remind myself that there is a community of eczema warriors out there too. I’m not alone anymore. I make sure that I have a strong support system whenever I’m going through the mental struggle of negative self-talk.

For any of my fellow eczema warriors battling with negative self-talk, remember that eczema can come and go. It will never define you. For me, focusing on activities where I knew I excelled really helped me start to embrace my self-worth. Investing my energy into activities I loved also really helped me develop a deeper appreciation for myself and it helped me cultivate self-love. Hopefully that can help you, too.