How to Handle Big Feelings About Your Child’s Eczema

When children have eczema, parents are often exhausted, socially isolated and stretched financially.^1,2 All this pressure can cause intense feelings to erupt. Parents may be short on patience or even cry in front of their children. They may need to vent to a best friend about the latest fight with their health insurance company or a treatment that just doesn’t seem to be helping.

Most parents understand that their negative feelings or talk about the burden of eczema could impact their kids. But it can be difficult to know exactly what they should or shouldn’t do on a day-to-day basis. Life is messy, after all, and no parent is perfect. 

Is it OK to cry in front of your child? What about being angry? How much should parents say to kids about eczema? What do they pick up from adult conversations?

We checked in with Jennifer Moyer Darr, a licensed clinical social worker at National Jewish Health in Denver, Colorado, and Lindsay Taylor, an eczema parent who lives in Adel, Iowa, for their insights and advice on these complicated questions.  

How to handle negative feelings caused by your child’s eczema

Social scientists don’t yet know exactly how parents’ emotions impact their children. However, there is some evidence that regulating feelings is important. A few studies in 2022 found that parents who were good at regulating their emotions were more likely to have children who could do the same. These children also tended to have fewer symptoms of depression and anxiety.³ 

However, good emotional regulation doesn’t mean suppressing feelings. In the same 2022 study, the researchers classified parents who used emotional suppression as having difficulty with emotional regulation.³ 

So, what should parents do when they’re upset? “Take a breath, assess the situation and, if necessary, take a pause,” said Moyer Darr. “None of us are calm, rational, or able to process at the height of anxiety, anger or distress.” This technique allows emotions to arise but asks parents to work with them rather than stifling or ignoring them. 

The next step is to discuss what’s happening. “Everyone has feelings, and it’s important to talk about them,” Moyer Darr said. “Identifying your own feelings and encouraging your child to do the same can help relieve tension and foster understanding and teamwork.”

Moyer Darr also recommends reframing intense feelings. This involves taking a moment to consider which thoughts could be at the root of troubling feelings. 

“Being able to identify distressing thoughts allows us to identify where our feelings are coming from,” she said. “And it’s powerful to realize that our feelings and mood can improve simply by changing how we think about something.” 

Of course, parents are only human and sometimes say or do things they regret. Moyer Darr sees learning opportunities in these situations. “Being able to apologize, not for your feelings but rather the way you expressed them, is important modeling for your child. This can also be an opportunity to ask them, ‘How did you feel when you heard me say that?’ This can allow for a deeper and more profound discussion,” said Moyer Darr.

Taylor, whose son Camber, 9, dealt with atopic dermatitis and topical steroid withdrawal (TSW), experienced this firsthand. “During TSW, during the worst of it, he would see me cry or just at my wit’s end,” she said. “Looking back, I think it was really good when that happened because he saw that his feelings were normal too.”

How negative talk affects kids

When emotions are running high, it can be easy to let negative words about the situation slip. This can affect children, shaping their beliefs about themselves and their condition. 

“Children are always listening and reacting, not only to our words but to our tones,” said Moyer Darr. “They observe not only what is said to them but also about them.” 

It isn’t necessarily single comments but what children hear on a regular basis that matters most. “If all one hears is negative, they are likely to take on a negative view of themselves,” said Moyer Darr. 

Yet, being relentlessly positive isn’t ideal either. “Sometimes parents can go the other direction and try to paint a rosy, perfect outlook or shield and protect their child, but this can prevent them from building confidence and independence,” Moyer Darr cautioned. 

How to talk to kids about their eczema

If focusing only on the negative or positive isn’t ideal, what should parents tell children about their condition?

For her part, Taylor strove for honesty, within limits. “We’ve been transparent as much as is developmentally appropriate,” she said. “Never to add worry to [Camber’s] plate, but I do truly think that knowledge has been really empowering for him.”

Moyer Darr also recommends honesty and encourages parents to help kids see their circumstances in a more positive light. 

“We talk about how eczema, or any other illness, is just one part of someone and doesn’t need to be their sole identity,” she said. “Working together to identify what’s important to a child and what they enjoy doing allows us to reframe the ‘unfair burden’ of baths, creams or injections as, ‘Just what we do so you can feel well enough to do the things you love.’”  

Even when parents do their best, kids with eczema can sometimes feel guilty about the extra care they need. In this case, parents may need to explain to children that they aren’t to blame. 

Taylor said, “During the height of [Camber’s] TSW, he felt very different from our family because of the burden he felt he was putting on us. It was through lots of conversations and reassurance that he now isn’t bothered by those feelings and doesn’t feel that guilt,” said Taylor.

For parents who need to vent, Moyer Darr recommends leaning on community. “It’s important for adults to have other adults to talk with away from their children,” she said. “As a parent, you may need to express your concerns out loud about a medication, the financial cost of care or the pros and cons of a new intervention.”

Taylor found it helpful to connect with other parents she met at Eczema Expo. “It is tricky to find people who understand,” she said. “But it can be life changing.”

Put self-care on your to-do list

Ultimately, regulating your emotions and finding just the right things to say is almost impossible when you’re running on empty. Do your best to find some time to rest and recharge. Even taking 10 minutes to lie down on the couch instead of squeezing in another chore can help. 

Reach out to your family, friends, faith community or healthcare professionals for support if you need it. And remember to be kind to yourself, even on the bad days.

References:

1. Capozza K, Gadd H, Kelley K, Russell S, Shi V, Schwartz A. Insights from caregivers on the impact of pediatric atopic dermatitis on families. Dermatitis. 2020;31(3):223-227. doi:10.1097/der.0000000000000582.

2. Filanovsky MG, Pootongkam S, Tamburro JE, Smith MC, Ganocy SJ, Nedorost ST. The financial and emotional impact of atopic dermatitis on children and their families. J Pediatr. 2016;169:284-290.e5. doi:10.1016/j.jpeds.2015.10.077.

3. Zimmer-Gembeck MJ, Rudolph J, Kerin J, Bohadana-Brown G. Parent emotional regulation: A Meta-analytic review of its association with parenting and child adjustment. International Journal of Behavioral Development, 2022; 46(1), 63-82. doi:10.1177/01650254211051086.